The anthology of poetry written by yours truly, S.E. Bess

  I wake up every morning, I grab a bottle of wine with only a third in it from the  night before. I grab my adidas athletic bag full of prescription pills as I sit on the  edge of my bed. Firstly, I take the opiate painkillers I’ve been addicted to for 14  years. After that I take a 85mg amphetamine pill. As to give me energy through  the day. Next I take a blood pressure medication, and then an alpha blocker as to  elevate my blood pressure from the opiates and amphetamines. After that I take  an anti psychotic called xyprexa. Naturally to stop, my racing thoughts, and deep  rooted hatred for life from bubbling to the surface. I take my anti-depressant.  Everyone is on those? Not really worth describing. And Then I take a  benzodiazapine anxiolitic to stop the cacophony of adverse symptoms from  hitting my consciousness like a cannon charge slamming into a war-torn building  or vehicle some where in Syria or Ukraine. My musc...

  Her voice dances through time provacatively. I love it so, I need it now. I receive  it, and in dire straights. I believe it. Every word that leaves her tongue and caresses her lips. I must have it. Her everlasting Her touch of lightning. It consumes me I cannot eat I cannot think I cannot sleep I have no peace. Until she speaks upon my throne of suffering. Her loving praises.

 Alright, this is a memoir from inside the bathroom. I arrived sometime between seven pm and 2am. I was very excited to have recieved an invitation to the most exclusive party ever thrown on the planet. The Puerto Rican hooker I brought along was very chatty after vacuuming a pile of crank in the back of the limousine. I did enjoy her company, and the exotic flavor of her voice for a time. Although that fondness quickly dissipated after we had arrived.  We cranked one out inside the hall closet, and I told her she had to stay in there for 30 minutes after I left, or I would refund the venmo payment. And call in a bomb threat to her hotel room. For some reason, the look of alarm on her face, and the satisfaction of smearing my spank on someone's four thousand dollar Armani suit. Made her exhorbant price well worth it. I moved quickly, living the scene of my obscenity, and into a far greater travesty.  I left the hallway and ran into a drunk woman a few feet from the...

A faint breath of a familiar haunting Song caressed my ears, I tried to follow it, and catch the goblin. Lying in wait. right beside the trap he laid. Strumming a lute, his companions, whispering a flute. They danced a jig. An enticing one, I fancy. Not far away, a rancid broth. Frothing and bubbling. Their musical spell, tickling and shoving me ever so closely. Gleefully I wish to indulge. To gorge my gullet. Full to the brim of their fanciful bowl of brew, a slew a mix of something so good and new. But alas, I know the goods they peddle the game I will not meddle upon. Could never be something so good and new. Something old and foul, rancid, a serpent lying placid. Until his time to strike his acid poison. poised in wait.  Wallowing lazily. The air grows dim, my eyes hazy. My understanding, thin, my mind spacy. Soon I will not fend. Against them. I will give 3 pence, all my  expense. To hear their song it won't be long...

I miss you, so dearly my lovely. Is it true, you've found somebody else? Is it true that you call him on your lunch break. Is it true you tell him "forever and always." "I love you so much." is it true, you let him touch you Where ever he pleases? Is it true, you met him at TGI fridays? What a lame, good for nothing Is it true?  You clean his apartment on saturday? The one his grandpa pays for, pathetically? Is it true You dance to smashing pumpkins. In the kitchen? Is it true, you fall asleep to his voice, on the phone? Is it true my love? Is it true? You let me go  forever? For that funny waiter? Well I'll be goddamned if I let you go. you'd be hard pressed to find another man like me. I guess I'm gonna have to show you both underneath his granpas willow tree.

 I miss you baby Dearly. It's hard for me to find words So I think I'll just sit here and play, guitar. My lovely, Your diamond eyes shone like stars. In the pitch black darkness of my  heart. I cry out all the time And sometimes I wonder if it would have been better had we never met. Are the memories worth it? Were those timeless nights, locked in matrimony worth the melancholy I am. Now so, intimately comfortable. Wouldn't it have been better if I'd stayed married to the bottle? To the lovely women on  Corronado. Married to the good times to the headaches and the heartache married to the bottle and the pain. Too afraid to change, to afraid of letting go of the familiar hate? It's far too easy just to drink it away and wish I was dead. Than it was just to make you happy. I should have just let you love it all away but that's my mistake. It wont be the last.

 Till death do us part yeah right. I might regret the fight we had at the time it made me glad you'd had enough and now I'd give anything To feel your love one more time I didn't mean it When I called you a whore and now I see your face everywhere I look. I miss your taste I miss your name Everywhere I go and baby I need you to know. I can't live without you. I never wanted to know Such a pain, such an emptiness I wish I could show you I'm sorry I wish I could I wish I could Show you I'm sorry Believe me baby Believe me baby What if I told you I miss you, and I love you and I never meant those things  I said hurt you.

Sometime next October this will all be over. The waiting, the wondering The hoping and praying,  you wont find another. I never meant to hurt you I never meant to shut you out I never meant to call you, all those hurtful things, my love. it seems like yesterday, I could remember the smile on your face, and now the memory's have all but faded. The only thing that stayed is the pain. Isnt it funny how we take for granted all the things that make it worth it? All the times we argued, over nothing but didn't it feel good, to have somebody? I'd do anything for one more night for one more fight for one more minute of you holding me Than at least I'd know your alright

Your love makes me feel worthless our home is a circus Eviction papers soon, the sheriff is coming to serve us. Only one word, to describe our life. Worthless. I want out, I don't want to be a part. Any longer. I don't, love you I'm not sure, I ever did. I hate you, I hate the man I've become so unwillingly  I'm leaving you for good this time Don't call me ever again. I'm not lying You got what you wanted. Leave me, Leave me, Alone. While I pack my things. Kiss our  children goodbye. And hold back, the tears in my eyes.

Right to the very end, my friend Somewhere. I wander again. Later on, I guess I'll find What I'm looking for but for now, I'll play my guitar. Yesterday I heard your name. It brought me nearly to tears. Somewhere amongst the ruins of myself. I could not find what I was looking for. Do you think I ever will? Her face was among the leaves. Her voice dancing through the speakers of my car. It wont be long. Until she returns. The haunting siren song of One familiar drink. From a sink somewhere amongst the trees. I've had enough to think, about that time I sat by a tree in sorrow, and played  guitar Until tomorrow.

Its safe to say, my name to your ears is tarnished. Our flame, long dead and vanished. So long our love, was but a grain of sand, compared to the long white beach it once was. My dear my love, I only wish you well, if only I could go  back and tell you all the disgustful things my heart had in store. I'd tell you to run far away. Not to wait years and days to hear our swan song. The road to happiness, far and long with me.. I really am so. So sorry, for all the things I said to you. All the promises I made. I was afraid, of the things I knew would happen, eventually. And if I could I would go back, and tell you to run, so far away. So far away my darling.

 A soul wept, in solitude. The magnitude of her pain is not restitute. Her man took everything and left her destitute. A drug addict, a prostitute. Fanatic of pleasure, of lust A purveyor of flesh, and fleeting desire. A woman bound for damnation and eternal hellfire. Her spirit laments in pain shame tears at her. She wishes someone would come and rescue her. To pluck her from the grave  she so hastily dug herself. Is there? Could there be? Someone who could love her?

 Hello my familiar island of fear. Inside of my hardened heart. An island of rejection, amongst a sea of bad memories. Alarming testimonies, and failed matrimony. Hello, old familiar friend, how nice to see you again. It's been so long since we saw one another. A trend I rather fancy. Whence you return My heart is the dead sea. So full of salt, There's no room for anything but misery. Woe is always me, with you and I waltzing to and fro. Will I ever find the strength to  let you go? Indeed I hope, I plan not to fret. To sweat the things, of your  agenda. In time the lows, will be memories. Instead of the sounds and sights of mine. All throughout my time.

 Slipping through the cracks of reality. Sometimes I wonder what happened to me. I think I fell and hit my head or maybe I caught some lead and fell into another life, with different responsibilities. Sometimes I wonder what happened to me. A lack of whisky? Is it the absence Of the familiar cold river? Of warm tears, sorrow, cheers- Here's to my mind or lack thereof. My predisposition to love. My yearning for The sweet hugging embrace. The tug of pleasure. Here's to the king of sorrow Tomorrow he'll be home. I can only hope. I'm not sure what I'd  do without him. Would I finally open my eyes? And live my life?

 Trapped eternally in torment. I lament. Forevermore Clashing against, invisible walls encroaching on my sanity. God is punishing me. My will to live is vanishing. I cannot express my longing for death, efficiently. Yet something tells me  even death would not be efficient release, from these Invisible walls. Surrounding me Stalking me. Standing rigidly In place taunting me My longing for release is constant. The things of my past. Haunting me eternally. I lament forevermore. I'm certain I am receiving  my payment. For leaving behind the footpath the lord hath laid before me. before the beginning of time. Now I've come to terms with his words: "it is high time you listen my child." "Righteousness, for you. Nigh for iniquity, so beguiling." "come to me and be restored." "healing eternal."

 I spend every day wishing those things I said were not the truth were not the way I felt but the truth is I did feel that way And I wish I hadn't. Now I spend every  day wishing you would come home wishing you'd pick up the phone wishing I weren't so very alone. My god. I didn't know how lonesome things could get And now that I do.  I pray I could go back. Every day I spend, wishing you would come back haunts my memory. Knowing the next day and the next night will be exactly the same. Whether or not, I find a dummie to take your place O' lord god, I miss you. Yet I still don't know If I wish I'd never met you...

 What would it feel like to spend me life with somebody who actually liked me? who waited for me to come home. Who enjoyed my company, and stories. Who cheered me up when life had me wearing a gown of woe is me, and the frown of a poet. Whom spoke of me when she called  her mom to gossip. And makes plans to go out on the town. Who thinks of me when she buys lip gloss. The color of ketchup. Who smiles when she knows  she's gonna steal my fries, and dip them in real ketchup. Someone who looks at me in a way, I can't explain. Who enjoys our train rides home to our quaint loft. By the astrodome How would it feel to have someone to count on? How would I feel, knowing there's always a loving person there for me? I wish I knew.

 And wish this planet would explode. I ponder and wonder why Things are the way they are. Why I've been through the things I have why god has forsaken me and thrown me into a land of strife. What exactly did I do? How can I change? How could I know. How low, he could actually take me. The clothes on my back, and the boots upon my feet. By the skin o' my teeth. Amongst the leaves, I lie in wait. To embrace my, departure from. This universe of suicidal suffering. I'm trapped in eternally, there is no escape. O' how I long for my sweet, the taste of her. For the sting of release. And for a time. I shant have to cast a line. To play catch and release. My sweet serenity. I long for your tepidity. To embrace my world of harrowing. And melancholy I'm only a fool in my folly, and that's all I'll ever strive to be. Her tease is my peace.

 Cold dark knight Winter's breath comes surely, intense I say Hurredly, I hope not. Assuredly as the sun rising at dawn. The haunting call of death tugs at me. Always I stay running away. From the depths of a  gaping maw. Slouched behind every corner. Peeking, making sure I know. I'm never far from my demise, so I choose. One loose step to land me in a noose O god I can only hope. Cousin death, the eternal soothsayer, calling after me in mocking fashion constantly. Such a harrowing swan song I lovingly long for. I adore So. Cousin death The chasm, between worlds. The abysmall detour, we all have in store, but I? Far quicker, death the cousin of sleep. Never far, snickers mockingly.

 The hunger for pain  has given its reign unto thine lamest horse of eternal torment and put forth. The left hand path but you must make the choice. Doth thou wish to liveth or retain thyself in harm- ony with. The father of lies The harbinger of wretched cries Disease, pestilence, decadence, malevolence A cocaphony of Temptation. Excerpts of flesh flayed at all ends. Death cometh And thou shalt never flee his rotted breadth of torment. The shackles and chains Forevermore remain. Its lock of eternity placed slovenly upon your soul By nobody. But thee...

 Can you smell it? The sugary sweet scent? Billowing so seductively. None could hope, so vainly All attempts to flee are futile. None shall digress from.  her majesty: The Lady of the Lake. Fervently she spake,"You are ensnared in my spell." Nigh, I say. I will be not your helpless slave. I refuse, your charms have no effect her witch. "You can not hope to know  mine power. O' weary traveller." My name has brushed the tongue and lips of all man. Far and wide, of every land. And you, silly lad. Shant be the first Certainly, you will not be the last. To hopelessly aquire, such an comedic request. To slovenly think You could hope to flee from The eternal desire The fog and fire of: Hot Dog Water O' weary traveller.....

   Sleeping kindly, her figure reminds me, of a painting I once saw, in my grand mother's home. I discovered the beauty of which god is so, awesomely powerful. His angels of light, everywhere amongst us. One of whome, lies here. Right next to  me. Resting peacfully. Angelically, she knows not the condition of her hair and skin. While she rests, but even then she is at her acme of beauty. My heavenly gift made by god, packaged and sent. Directly to me, I cannot fathom enough time it would take, for I to thank him. For which he deserves, but alas. I serve him, and I do not have to ask for anything. Because, he already knows  what I need.

 Wherein do lies blossom? In the hearts of man? Or the mouth of a woman scorned? Wherein do lies rest And harken, no longer? Like the sunlight that shines upon a castle. It will never reach the darkness of the larder. Or the heart of a sorrowful martyr. Lest we heed the words of our brothers. Reach for the sun a little harder. And forget the taste of past lovers. Wherein does misery make its bed? Abruptly inside the heart? Her absence should not bother.

Do you still love me Can you forgive me? can we go on, my love? My everlasting fruit of fertility. My bastion of humility. My harbinger of futility. My possesor of sanctity, and tranquility. Can we hope to continue where we left off? And walk, the path of righteousness? Can we embrace at the stairs of the Pantheon? Can we taste the fruits of harvest beneath an olive tree at San Damian? Can we bear the burdens of the world in holy matrimony? Can we my dear? My lovely. The only woman who could bring me to tears. Who would entice me to gaze upon a mirror, unto myself. And thinketh," O' sweet pear of the tree, can you loveth me and accept me? Thine truest divine?" Another line surely would be a waste of my  time. The Lord hath decideth, nigh your time shalt cometh later. So, in closing, no she would not be mine :(

 For a poor soul like mine? Inside a troll, or a hole inside the heart of another? Someone whom struggles, with the comfortability of pain? Wherein does misery lie in wait? Everywhere, we cannot escape. It blows in through the window Just behind the winter's cold wind draft. It is to be determined, wherein misery has made it's absence. Never have I found that, mythical place. Yet I spend all of my time and most of my life Wandering and looking. Wherein does misery lie in wait? Is it my hellish fate, to be followed all of my days? By that damned spectre of sorrow. behind every door, awaiting tomorrow? Will he ever sate, his need to steal my fleeting happiness? To replace it with bleeding sappiness for hatred, and not for love of which everyone is so familiar. Why must my date with death be so far belated?

 One fateful night, the cool night air, frought with mist, the ambient sounds of the forest, a gurgle of a close-by brook. The earth cracked and shook, the air thick with ozone. And deep from within the depths, she emergeth. The Lady of the Lake. My oldedst companion, my truest friend. a heart so tender, I could not imagine another. The gleeful peddler of the north shore. O' thine beauty incarnate, what games of love will we play? What do you have in store? O' telleth me mine sweet, I do so wish to implore. Your plan with me, I must explore. Your scent, your gaze, your voice, so  alluring. Your touch of shame so insuring. And with that, I give you every thing, with burning haste. For one drop, just one taste One peek, one stupendous look, upon your prize. My eyes must feast Please O' sweet, Lady of the Lake. Just one taste, of your honey-laden Hotdog water of the north shore.

 A faint breath of a familiar haunting Song caressed my ears, I tried to follow it, and catch the goblin. Lying in wait. right beside the trap he laid. Strumming a lute, his companions, whispering a flute. They danced a jig. An enticing one, I fancy. Not far away, a rancid broth. Frothing and bubbling. Their musical spell, tickling and shoving me ever so closely. Gleefully I wish to indulge. To gorge my gullet. Full to the brim of their fanciful bowl of brew, a slew a mix of something so good and new. But alas, I know the goods they peddle the game I will not meddle upon. Could never be something so good and new. Something old and foul, rancid, a serpent lying placid. Until his time to strike his acid poison. poised in wait.  Wallowing lazily. The air grows dim, my eyes hazy. My understanding, thin, my mind spacy. Soon I will not fend. Against them. I will give 3 pence, all my  expense. To hear their song it won't be long...

Hello again, my truest friend. It has been so long since we Spoke freely to one another, of the throngs of love, In an embrace of a  lover's folly. Upon the banks of the north shore. I return every night. Only to find our sacred spot, of matrimonial Covenant. Abandoned. And every night, my heart recoils in terror. Terror of the time, upon a clock. The work of which I fear your absence may become. Abandon me, and our sacred rite? Our ancient ritual? My heart, no longer entwined with yours? Never again, caressing your form in this world? Or the next? Myself? An individual, thrown into this world to fight. Once more, for  nothing So much time, my love. Spent on Something so hopelessly fleeting... I feel it better to have  never loved at all than to have loved and then abandoned. Once again I stand, a stranger.

I wear the uniform of uniform morose melancholy, folly in thinking things will change. I ride the trolley of suffering into it's garage every night to wind down and settle in with my best friend. Pain. I hug tight with no mention to quit the tasteful chain of suspicion. Suspicion of another  way. The thought of some day, to arise in the morn'. Without the need to adorn my mask of scorn. My favorite uniform.